What I Miss & What I Love

I've come to realize that beginning a new chapter means embracing grief and loss and change.  There is truly no better word than "bittersweet" to describe the tug of war between missing one home, one job, one life - and jumping into the newness of another.

There are many moments when I think just how grateful I am for this new normal in Pittsburgh.  Returning to my house feels like coming "home," and I now know some people in this city by name!  But, there are also times when I can hardly look through photos from the past five years.

Many of you have asked me this question: Do you miss teaching/BFA/life in Germany?  It's a fair question, but I may have given you a confusing answer.  That's probably because the answer is yes, no, and I'm not sure!  I'm living in the reality (and some of you are, too) of deep loss mixed with invigorating hope.  Some days are more of one than the other, but God's grace is present in both.

So, in case I can't articulate my thoughts when you ask me - or we just don't have enough time! - here's my answer:

I miss my students.  I can picture my very first class of fourth graders six years ago, now freshmen in high school.  I miss hearing their stories and knowing what they care about these days.
But, I love knowing that my students are thriving.  I see their Facebook posts about basketball games and banquet dates, and I know that they are continuing to grow.  They are taking steps further into independence and, I pray, deeper with Jesus.

I miss having students.  On top of the students themselves, I miss my role as a teacher.  I miss how my students made me laugh and made me think, kept me active and kept me humble.
But, I love getting to recruit the next wave of teachers.  Taking a step out of the classroom has given me the opportunity to interact with the teachers, RAs, and administrators of tomorrow.

I miss getting to speak in German.  True, many days I didn't need to speak German because of the English-speaking BFA bubble.  But on any given day, I could walk out my door and find countless opportunities to speak the language.  Needless to say, it's a bit harder to find that now.
But, I love the familiarity of English!  It has been complicated enough getting all of my utilities payments set up, getting plugged into a church, and deciding which groceries to purchase.  I really don't know how I did it all in another language.

I miss being involved in God's work in Kandern.  I miss learning from mentors and friends in that community, getting to pour my heart into service, and seeing everything I did as part of my calling to BFA.  This loss is the biggest by far, but I see God's grace in providing continued connection with these people and ministries from a distance.
But, I love knowing that God is at work here, too.  I am grateful for my small group, which has helped me to begin to feel known in Pittsburgh.  Although I feel like I'm back at square one with being involved, I can volunteer with OCC and bake cookies for college students during finals and ask God to keep showing me opportunities to be His hands and feet.

During this season, I miss walking around Christmas markets.  With crepes and waffles, wooden huts and castle views.  I miss huddling around burning logs at the local festival and drinking warm punch out of beautiful mugs.  Somehow, Christmas has brought out the deepest pangs of missing life in Germany.
But, I love that Pittsburgh has its own traditions.  New memories will be made here.  I inhale deep breaths of hope as I consider what is to come in this new season.  I often said it when I first moved to Germany, and it rings true now, too: It's not better or worse, just different.

It doesn't take an international move to experience loss.  What do you miss, and what are you loving in this season?  I believe that sharing not only creates genuine conversation, but also normalizes these emotions.  Whether seemingly simple or weighty, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.